John Shepard Romances The Galaxy
by Xysnei
Summary: Follow Commander John Shepard as he has all sorts of cracky romantic encounters with the unlikeliest of people! Every chapter features a new crack pairing, and reviewers can make suggestions for future chapters. Rated M for sexy references. R&R!
1. Hallucinations: John ShepardxThane

**EDIT: I'm so sorry I accidentally deleted this! Here, have your Sheploo/Thane back! :)**

**A/N: In which Shepard wants to get high by frog-licking. Of course, it doesn't go as planned, and Shepard has the worst hangover ever. This chapter was requested by someone on here who prefers to stay anonymous. Don't take this seriously, please. It's incredibly OOC.  
**

**

* * *

  
**

John Shepard just loved talking to his crew, hearing their life stories, blabbering on about nothing in particular. But lately, he had come to a conclusion that nobody really wanted to talk to him anymore. Garrus was constantly busy with his calibrations, not even allowing Shepard to help with them. Samara just kept saying that she'd join him again if he should ever need her in the future. Zaeed, even though his contract had already ended, stayed to tell him old war stories. Tali was too busy cleaning the Normandy's engines. Even Jacob didn't have time for him. No, the only ones willing to have a nice and friendly chat with him were Mordin and Thane.

And it was through talking to Mordin that Shepard discovered a...most intriguing detail about Thane, or rather, drell in particular. The doctor had thought they were in an intimate relationship (they really weren't), so he thrust some datapads about human/drell relationships into Shepard's hands and told him he'd help with any further complications, be it skin rash or hallucinations.

"Hallucinations?" Shepard asked curiously. "You can get hallucinations from…_being intimate _ with a drell?"

The good doctor nodded, and threw a few more datapads into Shepard's waiting arms. "Oral contact may cause mild hallucinations. Or, as humans call it, a high."

Shepard had responded to this by laughing, like he always did. Mordin was joking, he had to be. There was no such thing as getting high from licking a frog. Mordin, noticing the commander's sudden outburst, frowned. "Not a joke, Shepard. See for yourself." And with that, he shoved Shepard out of the lab and returned to his lab table, presumably to study the samples the squad had taken from the Collector base.

Shepard thought the situation over for quite some time before finally heading to Life Support to check on Thane. The drell was sitting at the table as always, staring at the guns he had on display, only noticing Shepard when the human cleared his throat audibly.

"Shepard."

"Thane."

An awkward silence fell between them as Shepard pondered what to say. Would he just put it bluntly and say he wanted to lick him to get high? Or would he take the more subtle way, by calmly putting his hand on the other man's shoulder and then saying he had found a great way to get high? Shepard's head nearly burst at he thought of all the drell's possible reactions. Did he really want this? Well, there was only one way to find out.

"Mordin told me that licking drell makes people high." Shepard finally blurted out. "And…well, I wanted your opinion on the matter, since you're a drell yourself, and--"

Thane held up a hand to silence him, then bowed his head to stare at the table. "It is true." he admitted, closing his eyes. "Are you…interested in the hallucinations caused by oral contact?" He stood up, walked over to Shepard, and took the commander's hands in his. Shepard, panicking like never before, looked around for possible things to defend himself with. He found nothing, looked back at Thane, and nodded.

"I…do not know if this will work out the way you planned, but I will remember this moment forever."

And with that, Thane pressed his full lips to Shepard's.

"_OH, CRAP! HE'S EATING MY FACE! GET ME OUT OF HERE!" _Shepard was unsure what to think of the emotions that were surging through his body. He felt frightened, yet happy at the same time. He felt like punching the other man in the face, but he also felt like kissing him back.

But even his mind stopped protesting after Thane snaked his tongue past Shepard's lips. Suddenly, the commander saw pink elephants coming out of small cracks in the wall and a never ending line of clowns crawling out of Thane's coffee cup, dancing in unison. Psychedelic colors wrapped around him like a blanket, and when Shepard finally gained the courage to kiss back, he swore he could see a revived Saren standing right next to him, laughing his ass off. The hallucinations got weirder with each passing moment. After two minutes, Shepard was kissing an ice cream cone, savoring its strawberry flavor with utmost delight while the pink elephants around him cheered and yelled, the clowns roared and laughed, and Saren did the Cossack dance. Music started playing. It wasn't the techno music Shepard had grown used to listening on his travels (he always took his futuristic IPod with him on missions), but amazing jazz music. He could feel the rhythm coursing through his veins, and it made him feel like dancing with this huge ice-cream cone, licking it all over, touching it wherever his hands could reach.

He felt as if he were King Midas, and everything he touched turned into gold. The floor, the psychedelic colors, the ice-cream cone…they all turned into gold. Shepard was in Heaven, and he never wanted to let go. Not in a million years.

It was then that the ice-cream cone vanished, and Shepard found himself licking nothingness instead, the feeling of bliss fading from existence.

"_Shepard!"_

He was starting to feel…tired.

"_Shepard! Wake up!"_

The darkness faded, and Mordin's head popped into view, frowning at him, yelling at him. Shepard closed his eyes once more, trying to rekindle the pleasure he had felt, trying to remember his time spent with the ice-cream cone, but it didn't work. He opened his eyes, and found himself lying on the floor in the tech lab, with Mordin and Thane kneeling beside him. How'd he get here?

"Good, finally awake." Mordin stated the obvious. "Hallucination was worse than I feared. You were…licking my face while I was busy treating you. Of course, doctor-patient confidentiality sacred trust, but…" He stifled a chuckle and stood up. "…might be nice story to tell children later."

"How long was I out?" Shepard asked, ignoring the fact that the doctor had just told him he'd certainly tell other people that the commander got high by kissing a frog.

"Four hours." Thane replied, helping Shepard get up. "You were lucky. Some hallucinations can last up to several days."

"Why didn't you tell me that before you…did that thing to me!?"

"_Siha, _I-"

"I am _not _your siha, goddammit!"

"That is not what you said when we were...." Thane paused and took a deep breath. "Shepard, how is your skin rash developing?"

Just then, Shepard felt his ass starting to itch like it had never itched before. He looked at Thane, then at Mordin, then at his hands, which were covered in red spots.

Shepard buried his face in his hands. "Thane, you didn't -- with me!? -- oh God, please tell me you didn't!"

"I did. I am terribly sorry, siha." Thane smiled innocently. "I sometimes get a bit too…carried away."

"CARRIED AWAY!?" Shepard yelled angrily, clenching both of his hands into fists. "Thane, when I'm done with you, Kepral's Syndrome will be the _least_ of your worries!"

"Ah, young love." Mordin chimed in. "How…intruiging."

"What were the hallucinations like, Shepard?" Thane asked, a wry smile on his lips.

"I was making out with an ice-cream cone while pink elephants danced around me in circles and unicorns were flying through the air!" Shepard screamed, then laughed out loud. "Oh yeah, that felt _really good,_ Thane, thank you!"

"I would gladly do it again, siha." Thane muttered before leaving the tech lab. "I will be in my room if you need me."

* * *

**A/N: This will be a series of unconnected oneshots, focusing on all crack pairings involving the standard male Commander Shepard (Sheploo). Got any suggestions, like MShepxGarrus or MShepxMordin? BRING. IT. ON! :-D**


	2. The Mating Request: John ShepardxWrex

**A/N: BEWARE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE! MASSIVE CRACK AND OOC-NESS ABOUND!  
**

**(Hey, don't say I didn't warn you)**

* * *

For some reason, Tuchanka was one of Commander John Shepard's favorite places to be. Shepard didn't know if it was the scorched earth, the hazardous environment, or even the somewhat friendly Urdnot clan that made him plot a course for the krogan homeworld whenever he could. At first his visits only served to see how Grunt was doing in his newfound home, but when he met all the other Urdnot, who all but idolized him for bringing down a Maw in Grunt's Rite of Passage, the place grew on him and he found himself coming over to visit more and more.

Today, he had decided to pay his old buddy Wrex a visit. Shepard knew the Urdnot chief enjoyed his company, as much as the krogan hated to admit it. Perhaps admitting that you liked seeing another male just wasn't krogan psyche.

Shepard shook his head. That sounded wrong.

Garrus and Tali had joined him for entirely different reasons: Garrus had begged Shepard to take him with him because he didn't want to be left alone with Kelly (_"You don't know what she does to me when you're not around!") _and Tali felt like staying on the ship with a Geth watching her back wasn't the best idea, so she just snuck into the shuttle when Shepard wasn't looking. And he hadn't noticed her until they had already taken off.

The shuttle ride to the Urdnot docking zone was a bit rough. That, and the fact that Shepard was forced to sit in Garrus' lap due to lack of space (Tali had chosen to bring all sorts of tech junk with her) made it even more uncomfortable than usual.

"It's been a while since I had anyone sit in my lap like this." Garrus joked, his mandibles spread in the turian version of a grin. "Last time though, it was an asari giving me a lap-dance. But with a little practice, Commander, you could be just as good."

Shepard buried his face in his hands. "Garrus, shut up or my _fists_ will give you a lap-dance. One I'm sure you will _never_ forget."

The turian didn't seem to be bothered by the commander's threat. In fact, it only seemed to amuse him even further. "Oh, so you like it rough, hmm?" He leaned back against the shuttle's wall. "I didn't know you even had…_such interests_, Commander."

Shepard squeezed his eyes shut. He felt sorry for Tali, who was probably looking on in agony right now. "Vakarian," he snarled. "if you value your life, I suggest you back down _now_."

"Don't worry, Shepard." Garrus continued, ignoring Shepard's threats yet again, "If you ever need handcuffs for one of your…_games_…I've still got a pair from my time at C-Sec I'd be glad to give you."

"You do know that I've got a heavy weapon on my back that fires nukes, right?"

Garrus remained unfazed. "The Cain? Are you compensating for a…_lack of reach_, Shepard?"

Shepard muttered a curse under his breath and slapped his own forehead. This conversation was getting weirder and weirder with each passing moment, right up to the point where it wasn't even a conversation one would normally have with his so-called best friend.

"Keelah se'lai!" Tali interjected, turning away from them. "Even _children_ are more mature than you."

Garrus laughed. "Aww, don't be so down, Tali!" He patted her knees with one of his hands while the quarian glared at him. "There's enough Garrus for _everyone_."

"Oh?" Tali adjusted the veil on her helmet slightly, revealing multiple tubes that ran down her neck into the rest of her suit. "And what makes you think I would be interested in someone like you?"

"C'mon, Tali." the turian whined. "You _love _men with scars, I know you do." He stroked his scarred mandible with one of his talons, purring with pleasure as he did so. "Everyone does."

"Do you _get off_ by touching your mandibles?" Shepard asked, clasping his hands together in front of him. "No, wait – I don't want to know what it is you're "calibrating" all the time. I might just throw up in my mouth and make a mess."

"Hey, sometimes you just have to polish your weapon so…you know…it doesn't go off unexpectedly when you're doing the real thing. How does that human saying go? Practice makes perfect?"

Both Shepard and Tali stared at Garrus as if he were a batshit insane man who was probably better off locked up behind bars in an asylum.

"That came out horribly wrong, didn't it?"

* * *

"…so then I shot that serial killer right in the face. Pallin complained as always, but it was an amazing feat, and he knew it."

They had landed on Tuchanka, but that had been no reason for Garrus to stop with his C-Sec stories. He just _loved_ bragging about kills he made and rules he had broken. If there ever was a fetish for breaking the rules, Garrus probably had it. And he had it _bad_.

Shepard pushed his way past the bulky krogan blocking the doors, and marched through the hallways of the ruined building that served as the Urdnot base. With Garrus and Tali following closely behind him, he stepped up the stairs to the Urdnot throne, where Wrex was sitting as always. He looked bored out of his mind, and Shepard could just _smell _the ryncol on him. Oh well, Wrex probably had a high alcohol tolerance level. Nothing to be worried about.

"Shepard."

Before he could respond, the commander heard the familiar sound of EDI's synthesized voice humming in his earpiece.

"Commander Shepard, since Grunt slayed the thresher maw there has been one mating request for you. According to clan reports, the requesting krogan knows that you are a human. I am, however, unable to determine your admirer's identity." Shepard swore he could hear a hint of amusement in her voice. "If you are interested in getting to know krogan mating rituals, I suggest asking the clan leader."

"Roger that, EDI." Shepard growled. "Anything else?"

"Please inform officer Vakarian that he has also received a mating request."

Shepard tried to resist the urge to turn around and yell to Garrus that there was someone still willing to make sweet love to him despite his horribly maimed face.

But he failed. Horribly.

"Hey Garrus, some krogan female wants to test your reach, and her flexibility!"

Garrus let out an audible gasp, and it almost seemed as if he was going to break down on the spot and start crying (if turians even _had_ tears. Shepard wasn't sure of that). Tali bowed her head in disgust.

"_That's what you get for messing around with me in the shuttle, you bastard!" _An innocent smile crossed his lips as he turned back to Wrex. "Wrex."

"I'm…surprised, Shepard." Wrex let out a throaty laugh. "Not only did you kill the thresher maw, you're also the first alien to receive a mating request. The krogan here are practically drooling all over you."

"Yeah, I tend to have that effect on people." the commander stated matter-of-factly. "Who sent in that mating request for me, by the way?"

"Can't answer that, Shepard." Wrex mumbled. "Unless…you're actually considering it."

"Maybe I am."

Wrex's red eyes met Shepard's blue ones, and the krogan chief leaned forward so that their faces were mere inches apart.

"It's someone who respects you..."

A three-fingered hand scratched at Shepard's side, slightly damaging the N7 armor, but Shepard didn't care. Who gives a crap about armor when Wrex, Wrex of all people, is touching you? Right, no one. Shepard looked over his shoulder to see if Garrus and Tali were watching. They weren't, having found something better to do with their time. The commander sighed in relief. He wasn't sure if he could handle yet another humiliation.

"…someone who admires you…" Wrex continued, his hand lowering until it barely touched Shepard's ass.

"_THIS JUST AIN'T HAPPENING GODDA-FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU…" _ was the only thing Shepard could think as the hand made its way back up again, behind his neck, over his good old buzzcut, and then straight back to his ass.

"…someone who's been watching you for a long, long time…" Wrex went on and on, his movements getting more frantic by the second. Shepard was scared now. Really scared. True, he would have been lying if he said this wasn't the least bit arousing, but he had to focus. He had to focus and say no. He had to focus.

He repeated the mantra a few times in his head before finally giving up.

"…someone who wants you, right here, right now." Wrex finished, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

This wasn't happening. It just wasn't happening. Shepard thought he had seen it all. He had seen people impaled on giant spikes. He had seen mono-gendered stripper aliens dancing to a repeating techno beat. He had seen Garrus' awkward attempts at hitting on chicks. He had seen _Liara's_ awkward attempts at hitting on chicks. But _**never, ever, in his entire life **_had he seen a male krogan trying so desperately to hook up with a human.

"Wrex, I–" Shepard stumbled over his words. What could he possibly say to make this less awkward? Was he…interested?

"Shepard." Wrex laughed again. "So, do you want it?"

"Well, I can't say I don't." Shepard breathed, swatting the krogan's hand away from his butt. "But I've got a few questions, first."

"Make it quick."

"Why are you interested in me?"

Wrex's grin grew even bigger, and he gripped the armrests of his throne tightly. "You're the only one who shoved a shotgun in my face at point-blank range and lived to tell the tale. You killed a thresher maw on foot. You kicked Saren's ass. True, not without my help, but still." He leaned forward again, his breath hot on the commander's cheek. "You're more krogan than any of these idiots, Shepard. Give me one reason _not _to be interested."

"This won't help you with the genophage, but I'm sure you know that already."

"It's just for _fun_, Shepard. I don't want to have little whelps with you. I just want to…show you how I feel. In the krogan way."

"Let me guess what you mean by "the krogan way". You're going to bite me while we're…having…errm… aren't you?"

"I know!" Wrex exclaimed uncharacteristically. "Isn't it great?"

"This better be worth it."

"So you want to do it?"

Shepard gulped and nodded.

"Good, otherwise I'd have to knock you unconscious." Wrex stood up and walked off, gesturing for a shocked Commander John Shepard to follow him. "Come with me."

* * *

"…Skyllian Five! I win!"

"You bosh'tet! You cheated!"

"So what if I did?"

"Keelah…you're so…impossible."

"You don't have to call me after a deity just because I won one poker game, Tali."

"Garrus, I have a shotgun."

"Okay…that rematch will have to wait for later, I guess."

* * *

"That was…" Shepard panted. "That was…painful, to say the least. I think I'm bruised in over twenty places now. Thanks a lot, Wrex." He smeared some medi-gel over the bite marks on his shoulder, hissing as the cold substance made contact with his hot skin.

"I liked it." was Wrex's only reply as he stood up and put his armor back on. "You're a bit too soft, though. Noisy, too."

Shepard shot him an accusing glance. "How could I _not _be noisy? You were _biting me_, for God's sake!"

"I just marked you as mine."

"I didn't know you could be so romantic." the Commander said sarcastically. "Now you're going to tell me you brought wine, and put on some crappy Flux music."

Wrex stared at him for a moment before shaking his head. "That sounds like one of Vakarian's ideas."

Shepard shrugged his shoulders. "That does seem like something Garrus would do, yeah."

* * *

A few minutes later, Wrex returned to his throne fully dressed, and all was well. At least until Garrus approached him, waving an accusing talon at him. "Wrex!" he bellowed, clenching his hands into fists as he ran up to the throne. "Who sent me that mating request!"

"Can't answer that, turian." Wrex growled, narrowing his eyes. "Unless you're actually considering it."

The turian's mandibles twitched awkwardly. Wrex knew turian facial expressions well enough to understand that Garrus was actually embarrassed.

"I'm…ah, considering it." Garrus finally sighed. "Just tell me who it is."

Wrex grinned as he reached out a hand to grab the turian by the arm.

"It's someone who respects you…"

**

* * *

**

**A/N: Yes, GarrusxWrex is pretty much implied there at the end.**

**Hope you enjoyed! :3 Next up will probably be MShepxMordin, so all I can say is BE PREPARED!  
**


End file.
